I’ve been to a few different gyms since I’ve been on my own fight to fitness, and there are some funny things..and people I’ve been along the way. You’ve probably read these types of rants about a dozen times, but tough shit, I’m writing one as well.

The Resolutioner – I’m all for everyone getting their fitness on, but if you are the type of new gymer who happens to be the person I see walking on the treadmill while texting, reading your e-book, or chatting with a group of people when it’s 5:00pm on a Monday, please leave. We regulars DREAD your type. We cringe at the thought of January coming up because we know that you’ll be taking up our space, leaving our plates all over the floor in hidden crevasses throughout the entire building, hanging out with your posse in the middle of the weight room and using our cable machines incorrectly for about 40 minutes while you hump the shit out of that bar. You’re a headache and we hate you. But luckily there is a good side to this, after a month you quit. We love it and all is right in the world.

The Pant-Less People – Okay, so you’re skinny. We get it. You love to show it off and you’re proud of your body, great. But you’re 16. Your parents let you out of the house with booty shorts on and sports bra-less top. You’re not kidding anyone; we all know why you’re at the gym at the busiest time of the year in skimpy clothing. Your insecurities are screaming at everyone, and you’re the only one who doesn’t hear it. I just wish I could tell these young girls to put some fucking clothes on and show them what really being at the gym is all about. But for now, I’ll get visually raped by your inability to find appropriate attire.

The Old Guy With Your Nipples Out – Oh boy. I don’t know how you can even look in the mirror without realizing you’re breaking an important law: Public Indecency. I don’t know how you got passed everyone at the front desk with your nipples hanging out of your ill fitting shirt, but it’s going to take a couple therapy sessions to burn the image that’s stapled to my memory bank. It’s a gym. It’s not the beach. We don’t want to see your 60 year old breasts hanging out going for a joy ride. This is not something that should be argued over and I shouldn’t need to be pointing this out as a big NO FUCKING NO. On a serious note, I did complain to the front desk because unless your fitness competitor or a model, please leave the girls inside your shirt.

The Girl Who Doesn’t Want To Work Out, But Has To Because She’s There With Her Friends – I know they dragged you along. You have an important event coming up and you want to get in shape. Your buddies are doing it, so why not tag along? Why not, right? If you have no intentions of actually working out, just sit on the couches till they are done and tag yourself at the gym so at least people think you worked out. It is so frustrating to be looking for a place to do pushups, stretches or other body work when you have a group of girls who are sitting in a circle having fucking story time like it’s some fucked up Sex In The City reunion. Please eject yourself quickly, red button that shit. Oh, you’re sitting in front of dumbbell racks? While I guess you should still sit there when I’m standing there with two 30lb DBs in my hands. I know how to solve the problem very quickly, and it’s not going to involve any tickling either.

The Tough Guys – Either they’ve been going to the gym for a long time, just started, or they travel in packs, there are always tough guys at co-ed gyms. I’m not talking about the guys who lift heavy, training for a bodybuilding competition or practice martial arts. Oh no, I’m talking about the guys who like to stare people down, make others feel uncomfortable or walk in the gym like he is a god of epic proportions. It’s magnified when there is a group of them. I know you think you are the shit because you can bicep curl a squat rack or your buddies are your biggest fans, or girls come sit with you as you lift. I know the ego needs some feeding, which is exactly what everyone around you is thinking. They aren’t thinking you’re tough, or you’re awesome even though your buddy is screaming at the top of his lungs to put up more weight, they see right through you. Sadly, your type happens to scare people away from the weight lifting side though, especially for the women. But have no fear tough guy, soon you’ll be out at the bars drinking away your gains and the real tough guys will be slaving away on a Friday night and putting up new PRs. For those of you who would like to avoid the tough guys, go early in the morning or a couple of hours before closing time. They have better, more manly tough guys things to do.

The Person Who Wants It All – You love circuits. You love going fast paced but oddly, the equipment is all over the gym! So naturally you own all of it because well, you need it all! Ohhh you, you never learned how to share, huh? After 10 whole minutes of abandoning your bench, I’m taking it. But alas, you’ll hurriedly make your way over to me with a grumpy face on and exclaim how you were JUST there. At that point, I will sarcastically give you a lesson in how to tell time with the big boy clocks on the wall behind you. You won’t like me, why? Because you want it all.  But somehow leaving your water bottle unattended for 10 minutes marks your territory without making the mess of our furry four legged animals. You’ll tell me that since your water bottle was touching the bench, it is now protected with a large bubble shield that inhibits anyone from using it but you.

There’s a few more different types of people out there, but I’m going to stop here and see if I can try to calm down before I go to the gym tonight. Hopefully this list was more helpful than hurtful. If I sound mean, it’s just my twisted sense of humor and my low tolerance level for bullshit and sensitivity. 

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