Something that has been very present this year in my life is the pain and struggles of losing my dad.  My mom, my brother and I have been trying to get through each day and not really looking at the future. Yesterday for some reason smacked me in the face with the sudden and depressing realization that I’ll never hug him again.

I was listening to music at my desk, settling into a usual Monday when all of a sudden, I remember a very scary morning with my parents. We were out to breakfast and my dad went outside to “get some fresh air”. He was out there for a bit and it was pretty cold out. My dad was on blood thinners because of his heart condition, so we paid and left to check on him. Turns out he was coughing up blood and didn’t really want to make a big deal of it. It was everywhere. I called my boyfriend who was down the street freaking out. He came to help and try to talk my dad into calling an ambulance. My mom was very upset, but trying to give him water. He was conscious, standing up and leaning against the truck, looking off into the distance just swishing water around in his mouth. But I’ll never forget how distant his eyes were. He had very blue eyes, but one was slightly green, which my brother inherited. And he stood there, not really talking, just trying to make the blood lessen. He was getting cold and started shaking, so we got him into the warm truck. The bleeding started to slow down.

Later we found out it was because of very dry sinuses and throat that was causing the bleeding. But I’ll never forget the look he wore standing there in the cold, wishing for everything going wrong with him to stop. He didn’t have to say it; his facial expression said it all. He was sick of it. Sick of the doctors, the ambulances, the poking and prodding, the blood, CT scans, surgery…he was sick of the pain.

For some reason, it just seemed too much yesterday. Too real. Too hard to deal with. Too aggravating. My dad didn’t deserve what he was going through – I understand that no one does, but for a 52 year old who had a lot left to do in his life, it feels very unfair that he had to go. It feels like I was robbed, my mom was robbed, my brother and my dad all cut short of life, laughter and love. It took a long time to get to an okay point where I could openly and vocally say he was gone. But as the year anniversary comes closer, it seems so impossible that it has been almost 12 months. I remember things like they were last week, a day ago…I dream he’s still here: happy, laughing and able to walk and function without pain.

It’s coming out of a coma…that’s what this feels like. It feels like I’ve been asleep, dreaming of every day after he passed –but now ready to wake up and find him sitting in the kitchen. But my reality is intact and I know that he isn’t there. The sadness sets in, and I’m left at square one – trying to figure out the next week, the next month, and the next five years.

Death is the price of life. But sometimes, I feel like the price is higher than what was received.

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4 thoughts on “Something I Don’t Usually Talk About..

  1. so sorry Shauna! This was a very touching post and I hope with time that you are able to heal and focus on all the good times you had with your father ❤

    Adrianna

  2. Dear Shauna,

    Im sorry that reality has set in. Its the hardest part of loosing someone because your fine then all of a sudden a dark ness, fear, and cold sets in and it dosent go away. I still miss my mom everyday. The shock goes away and the pain settles down in your heart. I just teared up reading your blog because I feel like im reading my journal from when I lost my mom. Loosing someone is really hard and going through everyday one step at a time is what i tell myself. There is not a day that goes by that i dont think of my mom. I think of her everyday so i will never forget her voice, her face, and i think back on all my memories of her showing me how to grow up. Everyday i wish i could call her tell her about nick and just talk mom girly stuff because that was the type of person that she was. She would have loved nick. I have her voice telling me that she will always be on my right shoulder and so i take life day by day. My brother took me last week to leominster where i used to live with my mom. The last time i was at my house was with my mom on christmas day. I was at my dads house for the weekend and i came home to give her her presents and when i was talkin to her i noticed she was acting weird. She was spacing out and not being able to form words. I told my brother that we should take her to the hospital. We took her to the hospital and she threw up the entire way there. we got to the hospital and me and my brother were really scared and my sister and my brother came down from billerica. We were all sitting in the waiting room quiet they doctor told us the cancer is back with a vengence and its in her brain. Her brain was swollen to her scalp and i just remmeber thinking how long was she alone by her self while she was like this? was she able to eat or walk or do anything? I left my house that night not knowing that that was my last time going home. That was my christmas. She got air lifted from that hospital to mass general and she didnt know who i was because her brain was swollen. She went into a coma and she has seizures constantly. I just sat by her and told her i loved her. I never ever ever cried in front of her. I wanted her to be strong so i was strong for her.

  3. i love you so much shauna

    Be strong for him because he wouldent want it any other way. He wants you to live your life to the fullest and be happy and have fun and laugh because hes watching you and he wants to be happy with you<3 hes along with you for your life. He never went anywhere shauna.

  4. Thank you guys.

    Amanda, I don’t wish this pain on anyone, especially when its not suppose to happen like this. We had everything planned out and it’s terrifying that one day, it could all change. As sad as I am about losing him, I do see the positive in it. I try to imagine that he’s free from pain, just like your mom. They no longer have to live in fear, discomfort, and the guilt. My dad felt so bad for needing my mom every step of the way. I know my mom would have been there, no matter what. But I know he felt bad for being sick or having something go wrong as soon as they fixed a problem.

    It’s such a weird healing process. There are days where I’m okay and I understand and then some pop up and I’m angry and pissed that shitty people still keep their lives while my dad got a raw deal. It sounds selfish, I know that. I try to believe that it happened for a reason and even though hes not here physically with us, he’s somewhere wishing so badly to be with us too.

    ❤ I'm just glad we have great people around us to help us through these things. I love you too! Thank you for your words, even though they made me cry, they helped alot…

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