Not everyone had weight problems growing up, but I did. And it got me to where I am today: a strong healthy woman.
Growing up, I actively played soccer for nine years and I enjoyed it. Sure I was heavier than everyone else, but it didn’t matter. I still ran like everyone else. I still wanted to win like everyone else and I still tried like everyone else. Yet I was always the fat kid in the group. Why? I’m not so sure. I ate like every other kid. I played like every other one, yet I always seemed to be the odd one out wearing bigger clothes, having bigger cheeks, a bigger bathing suit. When I quit soccer, thats when I really started to figure out that I was heavier than the other girls. I developed much earlier than a lot of them, so naturally I was a different in that sense. Not until middle school did it really start to get to me, when looks started to be more important.
I suppose my lack of self confidence held me back at some point but for the most part I got along with everyone. I wasn’t completely unhappy with the way I looked, but when girls started to get boyfriends, kiss, etc, I was again the odd one out. But then a few people decided that anyone who didn’t look or act like them, didn’t matter. I didn’t do anything wrong, I know that. But it didn’t stop them from making fun of me. Most of my middle school life was spent defending myself from people who were too ignorant to get past looks. Was I a size 00? Never, nor do I ever want to be. Could I wear halter tops, tube tops, skirts, short shorts, never. Nope. But truly, that didn’t appeal to me at that age. But was it pushed in my face? Yes, of course. Did it make me feel bad? Yes, of course. Did I ever feel like I fit in, no. Even with all my friends growing up, I always felt like I didn’t belong. My weight attributed to that. I didn’t choose how I looked growing up, no kid does. But that transition from childhood to becoming a teenager was some of the hardest years. Did I get made fun of? Yes, a lot. I had plenty of jokes about me, people laughed, people hated, people were people, kids were kids.
I look back now on all that and it has made me a stronger person. A certain time in my life that I recall will probably stick with me forever. I was with my friend Jess walking down the halls. And I had my hair in pig tails. I had a girl, who I remember so clearly, start making piggy noises at me, calling me names. I was naturally upset. What did I ever do to her? Why did she have to be so mean? Why did she care what I looked like? So I went to a guidance counselor to talk about it. I didn’t understand. The guidance counselor told me that she thought every girl looked cute in piggy tails and whatever I wanted to do, I should do and not let ANYONE tell me otherwise. That kids were going to be mean no mater what, and that I should look the other way and keep doing what I wanted to do. And I did that. I’ll never forget that girl or how many times she made fun of me, called me and my friends names, etc. It’s those kind of people in life that give me the motivation.
High school was a little easier for me. But those were my heaviest years. I remember looking at my senior photos and asking myself why did I let myself get that big. And I’ll forever wish I could re take my prom photos. But I know now that those were milestones in my life that will help me to keep going. And a reminder of how far I’ve come and how much blood, sweat and tears it took me to change everything about my life style.
It doesn’t always work for everyone, that kind of motivation. But it does help to look back at all the people throughout your life that have told you that you couldn’t do something, or that you weren’t worth it, etc. Because really, it’s bullshit.
I intended to write something about my past diet and temptations, but I thought it was important to keep going in this direction because I think people are sometimes intimidated by something new, a change when they have had people in there life effect them negatively. Especially when it comes to people’s appearance, things get a little edgy. I was that way at first when I stepped into the gym. I looked in the mirror and thought it would look like a joke if I went, especially if I walked into the weight room! Hah! I ran by the weight room every time. I didn’t think I belong there. But slowly I started to tell myself that if I didn’t do it, nothing would ever change. Even if people did look at me once I got the courage to get in there, who gives a shit! They don’t own the damn gym, and I’m sure they had/have a lot more problems and issues than I did. I kept to myself, put my music on and did what I had to do to get to where I am today.
I had to use those negative people in my life and all those negative feelings I held onto for so long about myself and my appearance, and let that fuel my work out.
We all have days when there is no way you want to move to go to the gym, especially on cold nights or even when it is summer time, but the longer you keep getting your butt to the gym, sticking with a clean diet and staying focused, the shorter it will take to get where you want to be, I promise.
Everyone is capable of anything, if someone tells you “No”, laugh in their face and prove them wrong, but most importantly prove yourself wrong. Make the impossible, possible.